Welcome to Tauntisms.com

November 10, 2015

This is my collection of quotes, sayings, stories, and inspiration for life. Use the search feature, category options, or topic tags to find what you’re looking for – or just scroll and enjoy.

You can also be RANDOMIZED!

Praying for the Sick

August 26, 2016 — Leave a comment

A young boy called the pastor of a local “corner” church to ask the pastor to come by and pray for his mother who had been very ill with the flu. The pastor knew the family and was aware they had been attending another church down the road. So the pastor asked, “Shouldn’t you be asking your pastor from down the road to come by and pray with your mom?”

The young boy replied, “Yeah, but we didn’t want to take the chance that he might catch whatever it is that Mom has.”

Giving It All

August 25, 2016 — Leave a comment

“You have to give 100 percent in the first half of the game. If that isn’t enough, in the second half, you have to give what’s left.” -Yogi Berra

Dinner on a Plane

August 24, 2016 — Leave a comment

It was mealtime during our trip on a small airline.

“Would you like dinner?” the flight attendant asked the man seated in front of me.

“What are my choices?” he asked.

“Yes or no,” she replied.

So Close to Success

August 24, 2016 — Leave a comment

“Many of life’s failures are people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up.” – Thomas Edison.

Keep Fighting

August 23, 2016 — Leave a comment

“You may have to fight a battle more than once to win it.” – Margaret Thatcher

Opportunity Knocking

August 22, 2016 — Leave a comment

“If opportunity doesn’t knock, build a door.” – Adrienne Gusoff

Good morning, I am God. Today, I will be handling all of your problems. Please remember that I do not need your help.

If the devil happens to deliver a situation to you that you cannot handle, DO NOT attempt to resolve it. Kindly put it in the SFJTD (Something for Jesus to Do) box. It will be addressed in My time, not necessarily yours.

Once the matter is placed into the box, do not hold on to it or attempt to remove it. Holding on or removal will delay the resolution of your problem. If it is a situation you think you are capable of handling, please consult Me in prayer to be sure that you are correct.

Because I do not sleep nor do I slumber, there is no need for you to lose any sleep. Rest my child. If you need to contact me, I am only a prayer away. Your Friend, God.

The Ugliest Woman

August 20, 2016 — Leave a comment

“Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister and now wish to withdraw that statement.” – Mark Twain

“The only way to make a man trustworthy is to trust him.” – Henry Stimson

I Am Only One

August 20, 2016 — Leave a comment

“I am only one, but I am one. I can’t do everything, but I can do something. And what I can do, that I ought to do. And what I ought to do, by the grace of God, I will do.” – Edward Everett Hale

Vacation Time

August 19, 2016 — Leave a comment

Jill had applied for a job and when she returned home, her mother asked how the interview went.

“Pretty good I think”, replied Jill, “but if I go to work there I won’t get a vacation unless I’m married.

Her mother of course, had never heard of such a thing and asked “Is that what they told you?

“No”, replied Jill, “they didn’t tell me that, but on the application it said, ‘Vacation time may not be taken until you’ve had your First Anniversary.’

Because the Patient

August 18, 2016 — Leave a comment

Dedicated to all healthcare workers, both clinical and non-clinical…

  • Because the patient has a need, we have a job to do.
  • Because the patient has a choice, we must be the better choice.
  • Because the patient has sensibilities, we must be considerate.
  • Because the patient has urgency, we must be quick.
  • Because the patient is unique, we must be flexible.
  • Because the patient has high expectations, we must excel.
  • Because the patient has influence, we have the hope of more patients.
  • Because of the patient, we exist.

Weeds

August 18, 2016 — Leave a comment

“Weeds are flowers too, once you get to know them.” – A. A. Milne (Eeyore)

Favorite Bible Verse

August 18, 2016 — Leave a comment

Someone gave a speech this week about how his faith is “important” to him.

In this attempt to convince the American people that we should consider him for president, he announced that his favorite Bible verse is John 16:3. Of course, the speech writer meant John 3:16 (“For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.” – NIV), but nobody was familiar enough with Scripture to catch the error.

Do you know what John 16:3 really says?

“They will do such things because they have not known the Father or me.”

*Note: This error is typically blamed on politicians, but as far as I know, has never been proven. I include it here as ironic fiction.

“The true secret of giving advice is, after you have honestly given it, to be perfectly indifferent whether it is taken or not, and never persist in trying to set people right.” – Hannah Whitall Smith

Being a Friend

August 17, 2016 — Leave a comment

“Being a friend means mastering the art of timing. There is a time for silence. And a time to let go and allow people to hurl themselves into their own history. And a time to pick up the pieces when it’s all over.” – Gloria Naylor

Seinfeldisms

August 16, 2016 — Leave a comment
  • Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
  • Can fat people go skinny-dipping?
  • Can you be a closet claustrophobic?
  • Is it possible to be totally partial?
  • What’s another word for thesaurus?
  • If a book about failures doesn’t sell, is it a success?
  • If you’re cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
  • If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?
  • If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
  • Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?
  • Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?
  • What do you do when you see an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?
  • Do hungry crows have ravenous appetites?
  • Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled at them would they still grow? Only to be troubled and insecure?
  • Is there another word for synonym?
  • When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?
  • When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away?
  • Why do they report power outages on TV?

Dear Pastor:

You often stress attendance at worship as being very important for a Christian, but I think a person has a right to miss now and then. I think every person ought to be excused for the following reasons and the number of times indicated:

  • Christmas (Sunday before or after)
  • New Year (Party lasted too long)
  • Easter (Get away for holidays)
  • July 4 (National holiday)
  • Labor Day (Need to get away)
  • Memorial Day (Visit hometown)
  • School Closing (Kids need break)
  • School Opens (One last fling)
  • Family Reunions (Mine & wife’s)
  • Sleep late (Saturday night parties)
  • Deaths in Family
  • Anniversary
  • Sickness (One per family member)
  • Business Trips (A must)
  • Vacation (Three weeks)
  • Bad Weather (Ice, snow, rain, clouds, heat wave)
  • Ball games
  • Unexpected Company (Can’t walk out)
  • Time changes (Spring ahead; fall back)
  • Special on TV (Super Bowl, etc.)

Pastor, that leaves only two Sundays per year. So, you can count on us to be in church on the fourth Sunday in February and the third Sunday in August unless providentially hindered.

Sincerely,

A Faithful Member

This is Science?

August 14, 2016 — Leave a comment

This is a list of comments from test papers, essays, etc., submitted to science and health teachers by elementary, junior high, high school, and college students. It is truly astonishing what weird science our young scholars can create under the pressures of time and grades. The spellings are the original ones.

  • H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water.
  • To collect fumes of sulphur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube.
  • When you smell an oderless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide.
  • Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is water and gin.
  • A super saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold.
  • Liter: A nest of young puppies.
  • Magnet: Something you find crawling all over a dead cat.
  • Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away.
  • Vacuum: A large, empty space where the pope lives.
  • The pistol of the flower is its only protection against insects.
  • A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is.
  • To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose.
  • For a nosebleed: Put the nose much lower that the heart until the heart stops.
  • For head colds: use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops in your throat.
  • Germinate: To become a naturalized German.
  • The tides are a fight between the Earth and moon. All water tends towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.
  • Blood flows down one leg and up the other.

Attention

August 12, 2016 — Leave a comment

“Attention is the rarest and purest form of generosity.” – Simone Weil