Welcome to Tauntisms.com

November 10, 2015

This is my collection of quotes, sayings, stories, and inspiration for life. Use the search feature, category options, or topic tags to find what you’re looking for – or just scroll and enjoy.

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Grateful for Everything

November 22, 2016 — Leave a comment

“If you are grateful for everything, then whatever you have is enough.” – J. Baadsgaard

  1. Instead of milk and cookies, leave him a salad and a note explaining that you think he could stand to lose a few pounds.
  2. While he’s in the house, go find his sleigh and write him a speeding ticket.
  3. Leave him a note explaining that you’ve gone away for the holidays. Ask if he would mind watering your plants.
  4. While he’s in the house, replace all his reindeer with exact replicas. Then wait and see what happens when he tries to get them to fly.
  5. Keep an angry bull in your living room. If you think a bull goes crazy when he sees a little red cape, wait until he sees that big, red Santa suit!
  6. Build an army of mean-looking snowmen on the roof, holding signs that say “We hate Christmas” and “Go away Santa.”
  7. Leave a note by the telephone telling Santa that Mrs. Claus called and wanted to remind him to pick up some milk and a loaf of bread on his way home.
  8. Throw a surprise party for Santa when he comes down the chimney. Refuse to let him leave until that huge cake arrives.
  9. While he’s in the house, find the sleigh and sit in it. As soon as he comes back and sees you, tell him that he shouldn’t have missed that last payment, and take off.
  10. Leave a plate filled with cookies and a glass of milk out with a note that says, “For The Tooth Fairy. :)” Leave another plate out with half a stale cookie and a few drops of skim milk in a dirty glass with a note that says, “For Santa. :(“
  11. Take everything out of your house as if it’s just been robbed. When Santa arrives, show up dressed like a policeman and say, “Well, well. They always return to the scene of the crime.”
  12. Leave out a copy of your Christmas list with last-minute changes and corrections.
  13. While he’s in the house, cover the top of the chimney with barbed wire.
  14. Leave lots of hunting trophies and guns out where Santa’s sure to see them. Go outside, yell, “Ooh! Look! A deer! And he’s got a red nose!” and fire a gun.
  15. Leave Santa a note explaining that you’ve moved. Include a map with unclear and hard-to-read directions to your new house.
  16. Set a bear trap at the bottom of the chimney. Wait for Santa to get caught in it, and then explain that you’re sorry, but from a distance, he looked like a bear.
  17. Leave out a Santa suit, with a dry-cleaning bill.
  18. Paint “hoof-prints” all over your face and clothes. While he’s in the house, go out on the roof. When he comes back up, act like you’ve been “trampled.” Threaten to sue.
  19. Instead of ornaments, decorate your tree with Easter eggs.
  20. Dress up like the Easter Bunny. Wait for Santa to come and then say, “This neighborhood ain’t big enough for the both of us.”

Miracle Doctor

November 7, 2016 — Leave a comment

A new miracle doctor had just arrived in town. He could cure anything and anybody, and everyone was amazed with what he could do – everyone except for Mr. Thompson, the town skeptic.

Grumpy old Mr. Thompson went to this ‘miracle doctor’ to prove that he wasn’t anybody special. He went and told the doctor, “Hey, doc, I have lost my sense of taste. I can’t taste nothin’, so what are ya goin’ to do?”

The doctor scratched his head and mumbled to himself a little, then told Mr. Thompson, “What you need is jar number 47.”

So the doctor brought the jar and told Mr. Thompson to taste it.

He tasted it and immediately spit it out, “This is gross!” he yelled.

“I just restored your sense of taste Mr. Thompson,” said the doctor.

So Mr. Thompson went home very mad.

One month later, Mr. Thompson went back to the doctor along with a new problem, “Doc,” he started, “I can’t remember anything!”

Thinking he had the doctor stumped now, he waited as the doctor scratched his head, mumbled to himself a little, and told Mr. Thompson, “What you need is jar number 47…”

Immediately Mr. Thompson was cured and fled the room!

“Like a gardener, I believe that what goes down must come up.” – Lynwood L. Giacomini

“The greatest gift one can give is thanksgiving. In giving gifts, we give what we can spare, but in giving thanks we give ourselves.” – David Steindl-Rast

Living Life Backwards

November 3, 2016 — Leave a comment

“Often people attempt to live their lives backwards; they try to have more things, or more money, in order to do more of what they want, so they will be happier. The way it actually works is the reverse. You must first be who you really are, then do what you need to do, in order to have what you want.” – Margaret Young

“Some of the biggest challenges in relationships come from the fact that most people enter a relationship in order to get something: They’re trying to find someone who’s going to make them feel good. In reality, the only way a relationship will last is if you see your relationship as a place that you go to give, and not a place you go to take.” – Anthony Robbins

“Recognize a failure early and go on to the next idea.” – Bill Heinecke

You Took My Place

October 31, 2016 — Leave a comment

One day, a man went to visit a church. He arrived early, parked his car, and got out. Another car pulled up near him, and the driver told him, “I always park there. You took my place!”

The visitor went inside for Sunday School, found an empty seat and sat down. A young lady from the church approached him and stated, “That’s my seat! You took my place!”

The visitor was somewhat distressed by this rude welcome, but said nothing. After Sunday School, the visitor went into the church sanctuary and sat down. Another member walked up to him and said, “That’s where I always sit. You took my place!”

The visitor was even more troubled by this treatment, but still said nothing. Later, as the congregation was praying for Christ to dwell among them, the visitor stood, and his appearance began to change. Horrible scars became visible on his hands and on his sandaled feet. Someone from the congregation noticed him and called out, “What happened to you?”

The visitor replied, “I took your place.”

Enlighten Everyone

October 21, 2016 — Leave a comment

“Enlighten everyone you meet in your journey of life with the light of your love and kindness.” – Debasish Mridha

“Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn’t do than by the ones you did do, so throw off the bowlines, sail away from safe harbor, catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.” – Mark Twain

“Each day is a step we make towards eternity and we shall continue thus to step from day to day until we take the last step, which will bring us into the presence of God.” – Catherine McAuley

“Be content to progress in slow steps until you have legs to run and wings with which to fly.” – Padre Pio

Keep Your Cool

October 8, 2016 — Leave a comment

“Keep your cool. Live on fire!” – Greg Taunt

Talk About Your Joys

October 7, 2016 — Leave a comment

Talking about our problems has become our greatest addiction. Break the habit – talk about your joys. – Rita Schiano

God’s wisdom may be observed in the hatching of eggs.

  • The eggs of the potato bug hatch in 7 days;
  • Those of the canary in 14 days;
  • Those of the barnyard hen in 21 days;
  • The eggs of ducks and geese hatch in 28 days;
  • Those of the mallard in 35 days
  • The eggs of the parrot and the ostrich hatch in 42 days.

God’s wisdom is seen in the making of animals.

  • The four legs of this great beast all bend forward in the same direction. No other quadruped is so made. God planned that this animal would have a huge body, too large to live on two legs. For this reason He gave it four fulcrums so that it can rise from the ground easily.
  • The horse rises from the ground on its two front legs first.
  • A cow rises from the ground with its two hind legs first.

God’s wisdom is revealed in His time and number arrangement.

  • Each watermelon has an even number of stripes on the rind.
  • Each orange has an even number of segments.
  • Each ear of corn has an even number of rows.
  • Each stalk of wheat has an even number of grains.
  • Every bunch of bananas has on its lowest row an even number of bananas, and each row decreases by one, so that one row has an even number and the next row an odd number.
  • The waves of the sea roll in on shore twenty-six to the minute in all kinds of weather.
  • Flowers blossom at specified times during the day. Linnaeus, the great botanist, once said that if he had a conservatory containing the right kind of soil, moisture and temperature, he could tell the time of day or night by the flowers that were open and those that were closed!

Amazing!

Education Is

October 6, 2016 — Leave a comment

Education is the movement from darkness to light. – Allan Bloom

“I think that people want peace so much that one of these days government had better get out of their way and let them have it.” – Dwight D. Eisenhower

Falling On My Face

October 4, 2016 — Leave a comment

While walking through a parking lot, I tripped and fell flat on my face. As I was lying there, a woman stopped her car and called out, “Are you hurt?”

“No, I’m fine,” I said.

“Oh, good,” she continued. “Will you be vacating your parking space now?”

Marriage Qualities

October 3, 2016 — Leave a comment

On their 50th wedding anniversary and during the banquet celebrating it, Tom was asked to give his friends a brief account of the benefits of a marriage of such long duration. “Tell us Tom, just what is it you have learned from all those wonderful years with your wife?” an anonymous voice yelled from the back of the room.

Tom responded, “Well, I’ve learned that marriage is the best teacher of all. It teaches you loyalty, meekness, forbearance, self-restraint, forgiveness — and a great many other qualities you wouldn’t need if you stayed single.”